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Responding to Reconciliation Fantasies

It’s not uncommon for children of divorce, especially those in elementary school, to have reconciliation fantasies about their parents reuniting. Even children who have parents who have already moved on and remarried may continue to keep these fantasies alive, hoping that somehow, someday their parents will find the spark again and get back together. They may have watched that old Disney movie, “The Parent Trap,” in which the twin girls successfully reunite mom and dad and live happily ever after, which rarely happens.

This is a normal reaction, especially right after the divorce because it is part of the grieving process and is a way for the child to stay in denial about the reality of their family’s breakup. As a result of this pain, some children engage in behaviors to try to facilitate their parents’ reconciliation. They may begin to ask questions like, “Mom, can’t dad stay for dinner tonight?” or “Dad, why can’t mom come along for the movie?” Although this can induce a feeling of guilt in the parents and cause them to want to give in to these requests, it is generally not a good idea to do so, especially if one of the children or one of the parents is in denial about the divorce.

If parents, acquiesce to their children’s longing to do family activities after divorce, it usually only results in the child trying harder to continue to make reconciliation happen. If you both know that reconciliation is not a possibility, it is best to be honest with the child and simply say, “I know you would like for us to be a family again like we were, but remember when we talked about the divorce? You will be doing things separately with us, and it will be okay.” Assure the child that you are not divorcing him or her, but that the adults are divorcing one another, which means they will begin to live separate lives that include time with the kids.

Of course, once everyone, including both parents and the children, have accepted the reality of the divorce, then family activities might be a possibility, as long as they do not create unnecessary tension for the kids. Until then, tread lightly and understand that actions speak louder than words for kids.

It is important to understand that one of the reasons kids seem so motivated to have their parents reconcile is because they feel emotinoally threatened by the act of divorce. Up until then, the only kind of love they are familiar with is parental love, which is unconditional. But divorce causes them to question love in general. They figure that if dad once said he loved mom, but now he is leaving her, then love must not be eternal. Then they wonder what mom must have done badly in order for dad to stop loving her, which leads them to wonder if they do something bad, then maybe one of their parents will stop loving them. So, it is a good idea for parents to let kids know that romantic love is much different from parent- child love, which is absolutely unconditional. You may say, “It seems like you are feeling very anxious about the divorce. I’m wondering if you are worried one of us will leave you or stop loving you?” Then tell them that no matter what they say and do, you will never take your love away and will always be there for them. That coupled with their experience over time that you are, in fact, not going anywhere, should relieve their anxieties and calm the fantasies. Eventually, they will accept that they are powerless to play Cupid with ther parents and will learn to accept their new life as is.

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