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Single & Pregnant, Dating Do's & Some Don'ts

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Mikki Morrissette of Minneapolis, MN, fell in love with her husband when she was 41 years old—and five months pregnant with her son. During a boat trip with friends, she spotted a cute guy who intrigued her. "I watched him most of the evening," she recalls.

"He didn't know I was pregnant. It wasn't noticeable yet," adds the author of Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide. After finding out that he was the single father of two teenagers, Morrissette wrote him an email revealing that she was expecting. She also told him that she had a four-year-old daughter, thanks to the same donor-friend who helped her conceive a second time. A few days later, he responded, putting "everything down, too: that he was a widower with a son and a special-needs daughter," she says. That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Before she married the cute guy, Morrissette was a member of a once-rare but growing breed of single pregnant women. In her case, she chose to conceive outside of marriage because it simply seemed the logical next step. She had a good-paying job, owned her own apartment and had traveled extensively. The only long-term goal she hadn't pursued was motherhood. "Being goal-driven as I am, I set out to make it happen," she explains.

In other cases, single women find themselves with unplanned pregnancies or unplanned break-ups. Either way, they're not alone. More women than ever are choosing motherhood before matrimony. Data recently released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention show that nearly four in 10 U.S. babies were born outside of marriage in 2005—a new high. Many of these women are looking for ways to balance their pregnancies with their search for companionship. Here, a few tips on dating while pregnant.

Be Upfront

When an expecting mom-to-be recently posted a question about dating on a Yahoo pregnancy forum, she received a flood of responses. Several women wrote in to encourage her dating, urging her to also be open with men about her pregnancy. "This is a big deal," one respondent wrote. "He may not be ready to be thrown into an instant family."

Lori Gottlieb, a writer in Los Angeles who got "knocked up by half a cubic centimeter of defrosted sperm" and gave birth to her son at age 38, agrees. "I tried to be straightforward," says Gottlieb. "Instead of saying, 'Oh, you know, I'll pass on the wine,' I would just tell him, before the date: 'In the interest of full disclosure, I've decided to have a baby on my own and I'm pregnant.' "

If your bump is prominent, this is, of course, a moot point. But before you're showing, it might be tempting to keep the pregnancy to yourself. Don't. A more straightforward approach will help start any potential relationship on the right foot and avoid any surprises later.

Set Standards High

There's no doubt that dating while pregnant raises the stakes—after all, this is not just about you anymore. Whoever you invite into your life must be truly worthy of you and your baby.

Sarah Travis, a 32-year-old MFA student in Boulder, CO, learned the hard way that her standards needed to improve after she found herself pregnant at age 19. The father, her then-boyfriend, was in trouble with the law and added insult to injury by engaging in an ugly custody battle after their daughter was born.

Shortly after the courts granted Travis sole custody of her daughter, Grace started dating again but with a new perspective. "I knew that I could no longer date men who were anything less than respectful and mature, kid-loving and patient," says Travis.

For Morrisette, dating-with-child was "a huge shortcut to find out how thoughtful and caring someone can be," she explains. Her first date with her then-beau was dinner at his place. When she and her daughter arrived, no one answered the door. "He and his daughter were in a fender bender that day, and they weren't home," she recalls. "He had to call his neighbor to take the pie out of the oven, and the neighbor had to let us into the house."

Still, Morrissette was impressed. The pie, made from hand-picked apples, was delicious. "It was a good indication that things were going to work out," she says, since, after all, he'd whipped up a home-cooked meal and pie to boot.

Consider Older Kids

Many single moms choose to shield older children from prospective mates. Lucy (real name withheld), a single mom of three children under the age of eight in Seattle, WA, says that she has always kept her dating life and children's lives very separate. While she says it's "fun to go out and feel young and pretty and sexy," she's not currently seeking her soul mate, so there's no point in combining the two worlds right now.

Travis also made a point of keeping her daughter apart from her dating life. This meant not introducing Grace to a "man unless I was serious about having a relationship with him."

When Grace was two, Travis made some big, brave changes: she moved hundreds of miles from her ex to go back to college and start a new life. It was in a poetry class that she met her husband, Jay, who was in the midst of splitting up with the mother of his three-month-old son. Today—years after establishing a relationship and meeting each other's kids—they are the proud married parents of Travis' 12-year-old daughter, his nine-year-old son, and a six-year-old son they had together.

Watch for Red Flags

But what if you are looking for your Mr. Right? You've got to keep your antenna up for signs of trouble. "Don't date a guy who doesn't like to talk about the baby," says single mom author Gottlieb, "because you want to be with a guy who's going to embrace the whole package—you and the baby."

Additional behaviors to note include: possessiveness or bringing up marriage too soon; baggage, such as an unsettled divorce or high unpaid debts; or a quick temper.

If spotting red flags doesn't come easy for you, or a guy's good looks have got you swooning, then take your time before getting too close. Leah Klungness, Ph.D., psychologist and co-author of The Complete Single Mother, encourages single and pregnant women to reach out to friends and family for advice and feedback.

But if you do find a good egg, relax and enjoy the attention and companionship. Being with child can be an advantage. The reality of a pregnancy can help weed out the jerks. Plus, "you don't have to worry about getting pregnant," Morrissette adds.

First published in Pregnancy, May 2007 issue. Copyright by Future US, Inc. All rights reserved.”

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